So at the risk of ****ing off
@RVACane and joining the band, I wanted to point out that maybe we should have a little more sympathy for our swampy brothers to the north. Think of it this way:
uf is basically a pimple-faced 13-year-old boy with thick glasses and a left leg slightly longer than the right. Picture him getting dropped off at school by his mom, who, if we're being honest, is showing just a little too much t*tty. So all the other 13-year-old boys are already checking out his mom's rack which explains why they all see him fall, because of the longer leg, getting out of the car. They also all see his hardcover, first edition copy of "How to Get Girls to Like You in 19 Easy Steps" come flying out of his backpack. But whatever, our boy's tough so he picks up his things, waves to his mom, and enters the school.
As he's putting his stuff in his locker, he introduces himself to his neighbor. "Hi! I'm Billy, wanna be friends?" he asks in his overly nasal voice. His neighbor exclaims, "Hi, I'm Mario!" and promptly stuffs our boy in his own locker where his cries for help go unheeded for quite some time. The sad thing here is that Mario actually alerts several people to the fact he's stuffed young Billy in his locker. Despite this, nobody opens that locker for three hours. At this point, somebody brushes against the locker, accidentally releasing young Billy who tumbles out onto his face resulting in an impressive nosebleed. This, unfortunately, is witnessed by slightly more than half of the varsity cheerleaders, most of the football team, and Mrs. Jenkins who, Billy will later learn, is by far the hottest teacher at this school.
In an effort to escape the resulting laughter, Billy runs blindly down the hall, trailing blood on the floor. In a stroke of good luck, our boy blunders into the bathroom, which is blessedly unoccupied. After cleaning his face and shirt of the copious amounts of blood he's lost through his nose, and while contemplating his fate at this new school, he hears a noise. While he's terrified to confront anyone at this point, he finds himself turning to face the person who has just entered the bathroom. Gathering his courage and telling himself it's better to face his fears than to run from them, he introduces himself.
"Hi, I'm Billy." The newcomer responds, "oh, hello, I'm Mike. I guess you're new here, I am too. Maybe we could be friends?"
And Billy's world expands, brightens. Suddenly, he can see a path forward out of this terrible situation. If he can make one friend, he can make more. He can
BE more. The universe has thrown him a lifeline, and he's sure as **** going to grab hold of it. As he opens his mouth to ask what grade his new friend is in, he's confronted by his new situation. His new situation can best be described as face down *** up in a toilet. As the water swirls around his head, he realizes that his new friend has upended him into a toilet and is now vigorously flushing said toilet. A second realization occurs to him: maybe his friend, while undoubtedly new, isn't actually a friend.
It's at this point that Billy wonders if his life might have been better had his mother not chosen to follow her boyfriend (who, it should be noted, refers to her as "sweet-****") to Gainsville Florida. He wonders if maybe he's made a mistake by leaving the comforting embraces of the bayou. Though he does not know it yet, it's far too late for regrets, he is truly in trouble. Real trouble. He will soon realize that nothing he's know before could have prepared him for the living **** of Gainsville, and the certain knowledge that as bad as the place is, he's not even worthy of it. Not even close.
The point is, maybe
have a little sympathy for them, they're f*cking pathetic.
