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- Nov 3, 2011
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[chants of “C-C-Dub” permeate the building]
Dan E.: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is Dan E. Dangerously, and we are coming to you live from the CanesInsight Arena for another action-packed edition of Cesspool Championship Wrestling, right here…in sunny South Florida. This is not InsidetheU, this ain’t Canesport, ****…this isn’t even Grassy…this is C-C-f’n-W!
Dan E.: I can’t think of a more contemptible group of people. Whenever you hear “Dixie’s Land,” it can mean only one thing. Yep, it’s the $EC Corporation. That’s their leader, Nick ‘The Overseer’ Saban, along with Ed Orgeron, and Kirby Smart…and they’re making their way to the ring to a chorus of boos.
Dan E.: These gentlemen have been terrorizing Miami coaches on the recruiting trail for years. They’ve been taking whoever they want, whenever they want, and this loyal crowd in South Florida hates their guts for it. But what’s this? It looks like just behind them, moving ever so slowly, is the ‘Ringo’ of the group, Dan Mullen.
Dan E.: Mullen hasn’t been the same since losing a head to head battle against Eazy Manny Diaz at last February’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre pay-per-view event. I am of course referring to the now infamous “Tae Day” incident, from the Avantae Williams-on-a-pole match. It looks like Saban has grabbed the microphone and he’s about to speak to this crowd, let’s see what he has to say…
Saban: You know I sure do love coming down to the 305 at this time of year. ****, we all do. We all thoroughly enjoy landing our helicopters on the practice fields of every high school south of Orlando, and then taking Florida’s best back home with us. In fact, we’ve been tag-teaming South Florida for so long, and so often, each and every one of you are basically our children now. Think about it…we’ve essentially bred The U out of South Florida like we’re on some sort of prima nocta kick.
Saban: I know…I know, you don’t like hearing that sort of honesty, but too bad. After all, this is war. This year we’ve already gotten Jacorey Brooks and Dallas Turner. Next, we’ll be taking the Palmetto 5, James Williams, and whoever else we feel like taking back with us. What you guys don’t understand is that the SEC is where the big boys play, and there’s not a **** thing you can do about it. And one more thing, I will nev-
[The boos are deafening from this partisan crowd when all of a sudden, the echo of m-m-m-m-m-Maybach Music comes over the PA system.]
Dan E.: Oh bah gawd, that’s Kahlil Brantley’s music!!! What’s the ambassador of The U World Order doing here?
Brantley: You got it wrong, Nick. Your time is up. All you bums’ time is up. We run the 305 now, nobody else. You go get anyone you want, because we are taking over! You want a war? You got one. But let’s do it right…in the ring…where it matters, not on no microphones.
[The entire $EC Corporation bursts out laughing, all except for Dan Mullen who is breathing through his mouth, while muttering “F.I.U. is the real University of Miami” over and over.]
[After a few moments of meme-ing with each other, Kirby Smart looks over at Saban longingly and chortles…]
Smart: You hear that boss? He said “they” run the 305, but who the **** is “they,” Mr. Saban?
Williams: It’s a Canes thing, Kirby, y’all wouldn’t understand. But my brothers…they understand. Because we are Canes…4…Life.
Dan E.: Oh my word! “Mr. 5-Star” James Williams is here! And he’s not alone, right behind him is one of the aforementioned Palmetto 5, Brashard Smith himself! The two of them are standing shoulder to shoulder next to Brantley, as they have apparently become the latest members to join The U World Order!
Dan E.: The electricity in the arena is so thick you could cut it with a knife, folks. Now the u.W.o. are making their way towards the $EC Corporation and it looks like we’re about to have an all-out brawl on our hands. Brantley is staring daggers at the $EC Corporation, as if to symbolize fifteen years of anguish and frustration. Oh boy, business is about to pick up!
Dan E.: Now what? I should have known that crafty ****** had something to do with this. Yep, here comes Eazy Manny Diaz, the man who has a long and complicated history with Dan Mullen. If that unmistakable ****-eating grin on his face is any indication, he’ll be looking to stir the pot even further.
Eazy Manny: Hey Dan, looks like you’re having a rough go at this whole recruiting thing. That’s a real shame. Maybe you should try telling these kids about your on-campus stadium, or that you beat us in Orlando, all those New Year’s Six bowl wins you got, or that we got shut out by Louisiana Tech? Because whatever it is that you’re doing ain’t working, buddy. Relax, don’t take it so hard. Why don’t you just sit down and rest for a bit. You know what I like to do when I’m stressed out? I indulge myself with a piece cake. Would you like some?”
[After pacing around the ring, Saban has had enough of Eazy Manny’s trolling and grabs the microphone out of his hand.]
Saban: You son of a *****, that’s enough out of you! You know, you might be able to beat Dan or even Kirby for a kid here and there, but the bottom line is this…Ed and I are the only guys in this building who have ever won anything worth a ****. Not you, not Kirby, not Dan, and certainly none of these losers here in South Florida. [more boos] So whatever it is you guys think you’re building with your, “u.W.o.,” it doesn’t mean a god**** thing. Here’s what is going to happen…I’m going to get Jason Marshall…Ed and…(sigh)…Daaaan are going to get the rest of the Palmetto 5, and you’ll just have to like it.
Eazy Manny: Ya know, Nick…can I call you Nick? Nick, here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m even close to being done. In fact, I’m about to ask somebody to come out here to prove it to you. The time has come, what do you say, Leonard? You have anything you’d like to share with the rest of us?
Dan E.: Ladies and gentlemen, I do not believe what my eyes see before me, but it looks like-yes, Leonard Taylor is walking out to this very ring. But whose side is he on? Does he want to put on for his city, or does he want to turn his back on it?
Taylor: Thanks, Eazy. I’ll be short and sweet. I’ve decided that it’s time for me to make a “big boy move.” Don’t take it personal, Mr. Mullen. It’s just…that logo of yours doesn’t hold the same weight around here, and you guys have been out here for too long running your mouth.
[And with that Taylor rips off his shirt to reveal a u.W.o. shirt underneath it. Then kicks a crestfallen Mullen in the gut, and lifts him up over his head for a devastating jackknife powerbomb to the delight of the capacity crowd.]
Taylor: So, this is where the big boys play, huh? What a joke. I guess that’s the key word in that sentence isn’t it? PLAY. Here’s the thing…we ain’t here to play. Now, Eazy Manny just said he was going to bring somebody out here. I’m here. You still don’t have your three people, you only got two. You want to know why? Because nobody wants to face us. Bring what you got! The measuring stick just got changed around here, *****…you’re looking at it.
Dan E.: That is bold stuff there from Taylor. And now with Mullen incapacitated, Saban, Kirby, and Orgeron have scurried out of the ring like a pack of scalded dogs. It looks like they’ve stopped only to look back in shock and awe at what just took place, and are trembling at the thought of what it means for the future. It looks like Dan Mullen is trying get his bearings together. He’s got what’s left of his Tae Day cake in his hands. I’m not a lip reader, but it looks like he’s saying something about a “flagship school” whatever that is.
[The u.W.o. music hits again as the new members stand together with Brantley and Eazy Manny making "4-Life" hand signs.]
Dan E.: But what does this all mean? Who will join the u.W.o. next? What impact will this have on the rest of the Palmetto 5? Can Eazy Manny hold all these 5 stars? Will the u.W.o. branch out into other areas to go nationwide? Why is Dan Mullen so bad at this? We’re out of time folks, tune in next time for another edition of Cesspool Championship Wrestling.
[Chants of “C-C-Dub” as the screen fades to black.]
